drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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