I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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