you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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