Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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