Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
