I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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