im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
