He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Randomize
