Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
