Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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