i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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