On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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