so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
of course. lets lasso hookers.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
