I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He shit in the fireplace
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize