when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
