swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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