I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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