Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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