i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
is it fun? or sober?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
