He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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