I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she looked like the before picture.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
