bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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