I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
