I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
