smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
