Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize