why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
