I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
