my phone needs a breathalizer
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
