Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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