I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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