You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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