Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize