the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Drunk is not a location!
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
