someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Moan for me like Helen Keller
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
