I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
so much tequila, so little girl.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
