True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
