I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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