Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
