At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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