Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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