Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
