so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
