And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
