i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
