i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
