He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
