I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
