We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
