My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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