I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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