whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
