Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
