i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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