Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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