So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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