where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
