I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
