Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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