it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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